Jesse's anguish
by PhilandLil
Summary: A one-shot of Jesse's POV of the last chapter of the book. Recently re-written :)


**A/N:****I have recently re-edited it as I felt it had greater potential that what I had previously written. This is basically the ****last chapter of My Sister's Keeper re-written from Jesse's POV.**

**THIS IS THE WORK OF JODIE PICOULT, HOWEVER I HAVE PUT MY OWN SPIN ON THE STORY WITH MINOR WORDING ADJUSTMENTS, PLEASE REVIEW XOXO :)**

Jessie POV

No one ever realised how big Anna's role and presence in our family was, until she was no longer here. Through the thirteen years that she was alive, Anna became the light in our family. She represented the little hope we had. The hope that things would be better, that a happy ending would be waiting for us at the bottom of the dark well. We never noticed how it was her smiles that were our salvation. Were unaware that it was always Anna that pulled our family through the darkness and turmoil. So when we were in need of those smiles the most, and Anna was not there to give them, it only made life that much harder to bear.

Thirteen years saw our family suffering with the knowledge that Kate was dying, that one day in the future - far or near - might bring about the death of a daughter and sister. But we also had thirteen years to adapt to that knowledge, and to prepare for when the worst case scenario would arrive. However all that preparation was for nothing, for the wrong sister. No one had contemplated even the thought of Anna's death coming so soon, not when Kate had suffered for so long.

Anna tied me to this family, it was her alone that allowed me to continue to find my way home. After she was gone I felt more on the fringes than ever. Once again I became simply the oldest child, the healthy child, the delinquent child. It was different with Anna, she never saw me as just those things, she always saw me as Jesse, her brother, her friend, and a son who tried so desperately to be noticed.

People always assume that death will make a family stronger, and it does to a degree. There was never a dramatic shift within the family that allowed us to be more open with one another and gave us the strength to forgive all the hurt and anguish we had built over the last sixteen years. Rather it was a simply increase in the desire to be closer to my family physically, to be once again a part of their lives, for the sole purpose of filling the overwhelming whole Anna had left behind.

You never accept that you have lost a loved one, you simply learn to cope with their absence. For months afterwards my family and I would tip toe around the house and each other, avoiding anything and all things Anna related. Empty silences and blank looks were almost always filled with thoughts of Anna. Passing a photograph meant quickly gazing at the photo before putting it face down to avoid a breakdown. Passing her room meant placing a hand on the doorknob, fully intending to enter, before the pain set in and that too was avoided.

Grief is horrible and devastating, and people cope with it in the way most comfortable to them. Our family learnt that if we refrained from mentioning Anna, the pain could be kept at bay. Stray thoughts of Anna were held inside and never mentioned. For months my parents would claim to see Anna in objects; in the twinkle of the stars, in flowers blooming top early or double yolk eggs. They would hear Anna calling out to them in the dead of the night, or glimpse her when they turned around.

Kate took Anna's death the hardest. She dealt with Anna's death in a complete contrast to how she dealt with her illness. Kate may have been sick physically, but was mentally strong and positive, and determined, even at her worst. This time though, Kate was unwell mentally - though physically she grew fine. She was grieving deeply, and carried a warped sense of guilt over Anna's death. Dr Chance's theory that the combination of the ATRA and the arsenic therapy saved her life did not convince Kate. She believed that for her to live out a healthy, happy life, someone had to take her place – and in Kate's eyes, that person was Anna. Dad tried to cope by spending increasing amounts of hours at work, relishing in the distraction, and by falling heavily to the bottle. My mother just couldn't cope, no matter how hard she tried.

In the coming months though, things began to change once again. Mum realised there was no food in the house, and so left to go grocery shopping. Dad noticed the bills desperately needed to be paid, and so he paid them. Necessity took charge and life went on. I saw Kate sitting on the couch watching a TV show, something she had not done in a long time. As I sat next to her, I noticed a glimpse of life returning to her gaze, when suddenly out of nowhere, she laughed. It was unexpected, fleeting and surprised us both. But just as quickly as her laughter had come, it was shut away at the same rate. She clamped her mouth shut, a look of horror freezing on her face. I understood then that Kate felt that by laughing and enjoying her life, she was doing something wrong by Anna. I couldn't allow her to continue thinking like this so I simply said, "she would have thought it was funny too." Kate looked at me as if noticing for the first time that I was there beside her. As much as it hurt the both of us to mention Anna, she was gone. We both realised that it was time for us to start living - for us and for Anna.

I often wondered if Anna was watching on as we moved on with our lives, if she watched Kate start teaching students at a dance academy. If she was watching when I graduated from the Police academy, and especially when I helped take on a major drug bust. I would have loved to have seen her proud of how I had turned my life around, and what she had thought of my career choice, considering my past.

I miss Anna everyday, as does my family. But we have learnt to live again. I once considered my life to be useless and was content to make nothing of it, but Anna's death changed the way I not only saw the world, but how I embraced it. It made me realise what I have, and how lucky am I to be alive. For life to continue we must have a past, but we cannot allow that past to become our future, That is what I now live by, and I owe it all to Anna. She is my past and the reason I have a future worth living.


End file.
